The Lonely War: Living With Migraines

Chronic pain is a lonely war and each migraine is a battle. The pain in your head is a crippling vice and your body aches with every movement and positioning. There is no relief, but some ease in the dark room, with curtains drawn, and all made quiet. You alternate between ice packs, heat packs, and guilt that you are letting your family down, again. The stomach is always a gamble; will it be diarrhea or projectile vomiting? The nausea is almost worse than the pain in your head. You dare not move.

And so, you think dark thoughts….. It’s all you can do. You wish for death to come and end the misery. Depression, sadness and guilt sit near, constantly reminding you of their presence. You wish you weren’t going through this alone, but no one understands what you’re going through. 

Your family thinks you just need a nap and to stop stressing. Your mother-in-law tells you when her headaches get bad she just drinks more water! The way your mother furrows her brow and shakes her head, makes you think she doesn’t believe you. Your boss is tired of you calling in sick. Your co-workers say “migraine” with air quotes and roll their eyes. Your daughter looks at you with fear in her eyes, wondering if this too, will be her fate?! You pray every day that doesn’t happen.

How do you tell  your loved ones what it’s like? That every part of your body is affected. It's not just a headache; it’s a full-body experience. You try to figure out what triggers these migraines and avoid them altogether, but that means missing dinners and parties and concerts. It means not having a drink with everyone else. It means not being able to eat at the family gathering, because you can’t have hot dogs, or lunch meat, or Doritos, or salami, or cheese, or wine. 

It means suffering through sporting events to be there for your child, but not being able to talk to anyone and leaving early. It means sitting in the car instead of socializing with other parents, because it was all you could do to get your child to the event. Friendships are lost and friendships are never formed because you don’t have the energy it takes to make and keep them.

Can we talk about the migraines that last for days? Can we talk about the days it takes to recover from the days of migraine? Can we talk about how we forget what feeling good even feels like? 

Can we talk about all the things we do and accomplish while in the throes of migraine? The fake smiles, the “I’m just tired” that we give, so as not to worry a loved one. The quiet tears shed in the bathroom, the pills we take just to make it through a work day or function. 

And yet, we show up. We do what needs doing, because it won’t get done without us. Because if I’m laying down and miserable, I might as well be doing the laundry and dishes and be miserable. If I’m just going to lay in bed and hurt with no relief, I might as well go to the movie with my family and hurt with no relief. 

“I can sit in the back.”

“I hope no one talks to me!”

“I  just have to drive her to practice. I can sleep in the car.”

“One more errand and then I can fall apart.”

“ Do NOT cry. That’ll just make the pain worse!”

We become our own self-soother. We become our own doctor, our own nurse. We have a tool-kit of pills, supplements, sunglasses, and ice packs that go with us everywhere. We panic if we don’t have those things near-by. We find community. We find hope.

We realize that if we can fall into a pit of despair, pain and negative thoughts, then we can rise into the light of gratitude, peace and freedom. This doesn’t have to define who we are. We can lay the chains down and pick up the sword.

 We are warriors. We persist. We carry on. We fight back. We don’t let it get us down. We smile through the pain and hold our head high, because chronic pain and migraine is a War we refuse to lose!

By: Julia Kaye Miller