Chronically "Fine!"

I love being in the dentist chair, my mouth wide open, I am numb up to my eyeball, there are three different utensils in my mouth and half the Dentist’s hand, and he asks if I’m “doing ok?” That’s kinda what it’s like trying to navigate life with a migraine.

Of course, my standard response is always, “I’m fine!”, because no one really wants to hear about the vise-like head pain on one side of my head, the crippling nausea and urge to vomit at the smell of their cologne, the entire body aches, the weakness that makes me feel like I am walking under water, the diarrhea, the brain fog and pervasive thoughts of death and dying……so I just say, “I’m fine!”

I take my medicine, of course! I wouldn’t be walking around without it. But no one asks how the medicine makes you feel; the muscle tension that makes walking difficult, breathing shallow and gives you that lovely “resting-b*tch-face”. Any light is a painful torture device and the sunlight makes me feel like a Vampire burning to ash. Every loud sound is like nails on a chalkboard and makes me want to burrow underground. My skin is so sensitive that I wear as few clothes as possible and wilt at the touch of my loved ones. My family checks in to see how I'm doing..........so I just say, "I'm fine!"

I try not to go to the dark places in my mind, but the pain pulls me in and the depression looms large. I cancel the plans I can cancel and reschedule some things that can wait, but as a working adult and spouse and mother, there are things that I must do. The things I must do will take every ounce of strength and stamina that I have in me. I will show up and promise myself that rest is coming soon.

When I can finally rest my ice packs are my best friends. My room is as dark as a tomb and I alternate between freezing my head and warming my eyeballs. My restless legs keep me from sleeping and I focus on the pain in my head. I rock back and forth and moan. I wish for comfort but want no one near. It is a lonely, solitary journey of pain and surrender, but it's fine.

I must be gentle with my body. I must let it know we are safe. I must embrace the pain and sternly tell it to go, as it is no longer needed. My body is finally still and I will myself not to cry. Crying only makes the pain worse. I must sleep; I'll be fine....

My family makes dinner without me. My friends wonder why I’m ignoring their calls and texts. My children creep in with worried looks on their faces. I wonder what I’m doing wrong and why I’m the only one that gets these migraines. I read another article. I buy another supplement. I order “magic rings” and massaging face masks and special pillows and black out curtains. I wonder how long I can be chronically “fine!”